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Answering the call of the squirrel

Some folks think you should judge a person by their deeds rather than by their words. That probably works just fine, but I happen to think you would get a better read on a person if you simply judged them by the number of squirrel calls they own. If they own at least one, they are very likely the kind of person who thinks it’s highly important to know how to communicate with squirrels. Any less and they are probably normal.

If you need proof, let me just say I own three factory-made squirrel calls as well as a couple of homemade versions that also do the job.

A lot of you are probably wondering why anyone would own a squirrel call. Well, the primary reason is for squirrel hunting. You see, a quality-made squirrel call allows you to create an open and honest line of communication with an eastern grey squirrel. And like all open and honest lines of communication, this sometimes leads to gunfire.

To be clear, the call does not lure them in so much as it causes the squirrel in question to look up from whatever important thing it is doing to say, “That’s the worst imitation of a squirrel I have ever heard.”

By the second time you call, the squirrel you are calling is probably a little annoyed. More than likely it is thinking, “I can’t believe he really thinks that’s what a squirrel sounds like? That’s #@$%! insulting!”

When you call for the third time, they tend to drop everything and rush in with the intention of telling you to shut up because those noises are just plain irritating. Furthermore, they will threaten to put that squirrel call in a highly inappropriate place if you don’t.

The interesting thing is that this is the same reaction you get from people who don’t hunt squirrels.

Despite all this, a squirrel call does come in handy when you are trying to locate squirrels, but only if you know how to use one correctly. And, frankly, that’s a lost art.

If you doubt this, just ask the question: “Are you any good with a squirrel call?”

Preferably, not at the conclusion of a job interview when the person interviewing you says “Are there are any questions you’d like to ask me?”No, you should probably pose the question in more informal environments, such as at a dinner party when there is a lull in the conversation and everyone thinks they have said all there is to say. Also, it helps to weed out people on first dates.

Not to brag, but I happen to be one of those people whose major talent is being good with a squirrel call, which is why I never got many second dates, I suppose. I am a bit of a virtuoso in this respect. When I call squirrels they have no choice but to rush in and see who is making the racket. I don’t always use traditional calls either. One of my favourite subtle ways of luring them in is by tapping two acorns together repeatedly.

I’m guessing this is the equivalent of ringing the dinner bell for old bushytail. Or perhaps they think that some other squirrel has just found their stash. Frankly, I’m not really sure why it works.

Jenn has a theory, however. She says they must think I’m nuts.

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