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Elmira
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Their View / Opinion

There’s plenty of fodder for a conspiracy theory

With all the disruption and uncertainty in the world right now, it’s easy to forget that good times lie ahead of us. I got a head start on mine on Sunday, when I received a call from a man who told me the words every upland bird hunter longs to hear.

He said, “I just wanted to tell you that I can now offer you a puppy ready for pickup in mid-May.”

Up until then, I thought the phrase, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help” was one of those phrases that people say when they want to make you laugh. But in this case, those words turned out to be completely true. I can honestly disclose I’m getting the pup because of our federal government.

Permit me to explain.

I had put my money down in the fall for a new springer spaniel from that breeding and was number six on the list.  Unfortunately, the universe has a sense of humour, so only five pups were born in that litter.

So about two weeks ago, the breeder called to tell me that I would be first in line for the next litter, which would be born around July. This was great, but it also meant I would not have a springer spaniel to hunt with this fall, which was a little disappointing.

Luckily, the federal government intervened.

Now, I’m not one who typically falls for conspiracy theories, but I will say that this sounds awfully suspicious.

You see, the federal government closed the borders just about a day or two after I called a friend on an unsecured line to say I wasn’t getting a dog from that litter.

What does closing the borders have to do with this?

Well, the fellow ahead of me in the litter line up was an American – and I’m going to assume shadowy figures in our government knew this. So, I figure the government secret agency he works for was monitoring my call and realized that if Steve Galea doesn’t get a hunting dog, the Canadian economy would take an even worse downturn.

Call me paranoid, but I suspect their intelligence analysis quickly revealed that a new hunting dog requires veterinary visits, new collars, a new crate, a mat, blanket, slip lead, regular lead, several training dummies, starter pistol, blanks, a dummy launcher, expensive dog food, training videos, electronic collars,  a new shotgun, several boxes of ammunition, new upland pants, vest and boots, and lots of gasoline so I can take it to distant covers as well as socialize it. And let’s not forget treats for a good day’s work. Don’t worry; I’ll get snacks for the pup too.

I believe this startling realization – that those expenditures would be lost to the Canadian economy until July – are what prompted the federal government to close the border so that the American fellow ahead of me could not visit and got bumped off the puppy list. Which meant I was placed back on it. 

Basically, it was one of those “crisis averted” scenarios that, if the Internet is right, shadowy government agencies deal with every day.

Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. I promise I will do my part.

In the meantime, I’m going to call my friend on an unsecured line to complain about how I probably won’t be fly fishing much if my favourite brook trout lake isn’t stocked with bigger fish soon …

I expect results by spring.

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